KARATE FIGHTERS ONLY

I watch a lot of kung fu movies, as you can probably tell from my movie list. One of the plot singularities of these films that I love the most is when one guy is like, "Hey Holmes, I just learned a new fighting style" and his buddy goes, "Oh? Cool, let me try it", and they just go have a fight. Oh, nothing, just a kung fu fight in the courtyard or outside the hut or wherever. No big deal. Just to test out the technique, to see how it fares. I love how it's just a normal thing for them. Shit like that doesn't happen enough in the real world.

Every once in awhile my life turns into a movie, if only for a fleeting moment. On Sunday I was cruising around my hood with Chef Mel with our Holgas in tow. As soon as we step outside of my building we get accosted by a homeless woman with chicken pox and a handful of disposeable lighters. At least she said she had chicken pox. I was skeptical, but backed up anyway. She did have an incredibly thick lisp, though. Even though we continued walking while apologizing, and struck the head-shaking-with-hands-in-the-air pose (the universal signal for "You're not getting any money from me"), she continued stalking us, relating her chicken pox story and holding out her lighter-filled hands. Needless to say, it was extremely awkward. She reminded me of the beggars in Shanghai: some of them would follow me for blocks, supplicating and trying to hold my arms the whole time. Not in a threatening way, mind you -- at first I thought I was being targeted for a pickpocketing, but I was wrong -- they just don't have anything better to do and figure that eventually, to make them go away, I would give up a few yuan. But I digress.

Our escape route from Chicken Pox Woman led us behind the Japanese Cultural Center. I knew there was a cute little garden back there that I thought might offer some prime photo opportunities. As we speedwalked up to the gate of the garden, I was vaguely aware that there was a kid standing there. There were people all over the place actually, which isn't out of the ordinary for a cultural & community center, but this kid was standing right at the gate, just lounging. Like a sentry, or a GATEKEEPER. And just as I approach he sort of comes to life and goes, "Only karate fighters are allowed inside". I was completely dumbstruck. Did my life just turn into a movie? Was this some kind of challenge? What's going on? Is this guy asking to try my kung-fu right out here in the open, in my own hood? In MY OWN HOOD? This kid was like 12 and he was wearing thick spectacles; his slight paunch aside, he reminded me of a 12-year-old version of myself. My mind raced -- could a 12-year-old me beat up a 30-year-old me? Depends on how good his kung fu is. Does he know Drunken Praying Mantis Style? I sized him up -- he was scrupulously avoiding eye contact. Hard to tell what his technique is. Dangerous to try to read a book by its cover. I thought of looking at Mel to see if she comprehended the situation better than I, but what if he launched his attack while my back was turned? It was way too crazy.

Finally, I spoke. "Oh, really? Karate fighters only, huh?" I was stalling for time.

"Yeah. Well, you can come in the garden, but you have to stay out of the building because blah blah blah". I didn't even get the reason because as I looked down where he pointed, I saw through the basement windows a room full of little kids, each one wearing a gi. It was all becoming clear to me. There was some kind of competition going on. That's why all the people were milling about in the plaza behind me. That's why some were wearing track suits and slippers. Why some kids were carrying trophies. Ahhh, soooooo. The moment devolved back into real life. The heightened reality dissolved. My life as a movie ended. It's a good thing, too, seeing as how I don't know the first thing about martial arts except for what I've seen in the movies. I would have had to fake the funk with The Gatekeeper, all while trying to keep my Holga undamaged, and hoping the resulting ruckus wouldn't draw the attention of Chicken Pox Lady. Which would have been completely different, and would have made for a really memorable Sunday afternoon.

Reality bites sometimes.